Today is February 17th. Seven years ago today, I met David Hauslaib and my life was changed forever … because I met the love of my life, the person I knew with all my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with. One year ago today, on the exact spot where we first met at a bike rack in front of the Lloyd Hotel in Amsterdam, Netherlands, David asked me to marry him and I said yes. For the past half decade, February 17th has been a day that I have anxiously looked forward to celebrating. But, as you may be well aware by now, February 17th this year has been a date that I’ve been dreading for many weeks. It’s been a few months now since my relationship with David ended and for the most part, I’m hanging in there … moving forward with my life. But today is a rough day for me. That said, I know I can’t keep focusing on the pain because once I do so, it’s very difficult for me to climb back out of the hole. Still, today is a day I need to mourn and while I cannot know for certain, this post will likely be the last time I’ll publicly address this break-up so that I can look forward toward a happier future … and not back at the life that I have lost.
This photo is one of the first photos that David and I ever took together on that fateful holiday in Amsterdam. We both traveled to Holland individually for fun, neither one of us expected to fall in love. I was such a different person back in 2006. I had never traveled internationally and altho I was far from being a kid, I was still very immature in a lot of ways. Meeting David changed all of that. Tho younger, he was much more traveled and worldly. His influence on me changed the trajectory of my life. Before I met him, I thought I knew what love was. It was only after he came into my life that I really understood what love truly is. It’s been extremely difficult for me to come to grips with losing the most important person in my life. David was my friend, my best friend … the person that I shared everything with. He just filled my whole heart. It kills me that the countless wonderful memories I have from our 6+ years together now stab me in the chest with pain … I’m talking a jagged ice pick right thru the ribs. I’m really looking forward to the day when I no longer endure pangs of agony with the mere flash of memory … but I know I’ll get there someday. For the past few weeks, the most difficult memories to endure are fairly new ones. I can’t help but think back to exactly one year ago today. Even tho I knew David and I were going back to Amsterdam to celebrate our 6 year anniversary, I had no idea what he had been planning for the 6 months prior. When he went down on one knee, with tears in his eyes, right next to our bike rack meeting place the whole world around me disappeared. I remember it was chilly that morning but everything around us just faded to black. He said the most beautiful things to me and I honestly felt like I could’ve just floated away.
It’s really hard to come to grips with losing the person you know you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Especially when you know that you will love that person forever. I can’t help it. I still love him so much. I’ve been able to mute those feelings for a while now, and believe me — it hasn’t been easy, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to deny them today of all days.
For the most part, my life now is pretty much the same as it’s been in recent years, even with some major life changes. I’m living on my own for the first time in my entire life. I know it may sound strange but ever since I left home for college all those years ago, I’ve either lived with a roommate or with a partner. I did live by myself for first 3 years here in LA but I was with David and he would be here in LA with me, I’d be in NYC with him — never going more than 3 weeks apart. I wasn’t really living by myself. I am now tho. I think I’ve blossomed a little bit, as only a single person can do, since I’ve been on my own. I know it’s only been a few months but I’ve been able to flourish in a way that I was unable to before when I was in my relationship with David. I don’t have to take anyone else’s opinions into consideration with how I live my life at home. David was many wonderful things to me but a fan of my pop culture obsessions, he was not. Even tho I’m alone in my home now — something I’ve never wanted — I look around at the changes I’ve made and I actually smile. Altho I can never know what the future may hold, I’m starting to see how my life can be happy and fulfilled again.
I don’t know much about how David is doing these days. Obviously I know what’s going on with him in terms of things he shares publicly and some from mutual friends but unlike me, he’s a pretty private person. We don’t talk, so I just don’t know. I can’t help but worry about him. I was very saddened to learn that his company went out of business last month because I know how hard he worked to make that business a success. But if it’s one thing I know about David, it’s that he is a genius … truly one of the most intelligent and talented people I’ve ever known. It’s silly for me to worry about him because he will be just fine.
I think I will be just fine as well. I mean … yeah, I think. I’m not always the most positive person (I tend to be a Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst type of person) and I deffo worry about a lot of things … a lot … so I catch myself being scared sometimes. I was always so sure that no matter what hardships might come in the future — financial ruin, illness, zombie apocalypse — I would have the person I loved most in the world by my side, in my corner, there for me … and I for him. I don’t have that anymore. I may get that back. I may find that person again but this break-up has drudged up long harbored fears but … it’s silly to worry about the unknown … it’s a sure way to drive oneself insane.
The only thing I know how to do is deal with what’s happening in the present. One day at a time. Today, February 17th, is a rough day for me … but the next February 17th will be better. Altho it saddens me deeply to see where I am this February 17th as opposed to where I was last February 17th … I’m hopeful that the next February 17th will see me in a much better, happier place. Life changes so dramatically from year to year. I was engaged to be married a year ago today. Who knows where I’ll be a year from now. Honestly, I’m in no rush to find out but … the days, months and years are starting to fly by so I’ll get there sooner than I’d like, I’m sure.
Anyways … this post has rambled on for far longer than I anticipated. I’m going to log off now, shut down my computer, take a shower and go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunshine that is pouring in my windows today. I’m going to do my damnest to have a good day … I hope you will, too. It would comfort me greatly if all of YOU wonderful people out there — who have been so loving, so supportive and so amazing thru all of this — have a wonderful day today. If you could do that for me, I would be much obliged.
Shout out to The Sundays for inspiring the title of this blogpost. Here’s Where the Story Ends has always been one of my favorite songs and I fucking love The Sundays so … I’m gonna go listen to that song again and start my day. Happy February 17th, y’all <3