Y’all. We have 270 things to discuss, but I’m gonna open this recap by addressing Shonda Rhimes‘s Twitter account. Her bio reads as follows: I make stuff up for a living. Remember, it’s not real, okay? Don’t tweet me your craziness. LMAO, I always read that and thought, ‘Who actually does that, though? Who actually gets sooo into one of her shows that they start tweeting craziness to her?‘ And then last night’s episode aired. And luckily, I was wayyyyy too glued to my screen, and to my notes to get on Twitter and lose my mind all over @shondarhimes. Anyway, she retweeted me one time, so I’d hate to get blocked, but that’s how real ish got last night! Click inside for the recap I almost don’t wanna write… ’cause we’re gonna have to talk about how certain characters we thought we knew and lurved are effing KILLERS!
Sooo, this episode was a huge deal. PITNBr EAW hit me up earlier today saying she was psyched for the recap and I told her I was scared, nervous, didn’t know who to trust, etc. Like, for real. I don’t know who to trust anymore!!! I don’t trust my favorite show, I don’t trust Shonda, I don’t trust you bitches reading this, lmao! Why didn’t y’all see this coming?! Why didn’t y’all warn meeeeeeee?!?!?! I’m done with all ‘a ya’ll.
So yeah, in this episode we found out pretty much everything that mattered, and we watched key characters uncover secrets we probably never wanted them to learn. Verna confessed to hiring CIA Becky to kill the President (well, she confessed after Olivia figured it out); Abby learned that Olivia and Fitz did the worst thing ever when they used her past, horrific experiences with abuse as a way to turn her against David; and Fitz found out that he was not, technically, the President of the United States of America. Awkward. Lots of awkward in this episode and lots of people making me sleep with one eye open, after I trusted them with my heart/with Olivia‘s heart! Hai, Fitz! LMAO, omg. I am so hurt right now. Lemme try to recap the pain away.
1. Now That’s How You Open An Episode
So last week was The Episode Of Hollis, and I loved it! Hollis is insane! And something told me that, even with the CIA guy hopping in the elevator to kill him, we weren’t gonna be rid of him so easily. And sure enough, Huck jumped in at the start of the episode to kinda save the day, which was a good look (since we soon found out that Hollis was, in fact, innocent of the assassination attempt on Pres).
But one of the coolest parts of this episode, was the second hit that was almost put out on Hollis– by Quinn, bitch! Quinn was sooo pissed watching Hollis get away with murder; granted, he didn’t try to kill Fitz but he sure as hell killed her boyfriend, and framed her for the bombing. When she stepped up to Huck with that envelope of money, I was cracking UP! Quinn! Now you know Huck doesn’t need no damn $5,000 to kill Hollis! He does that ish for free! Ultimately Quinn couldn’t go through with it, and I loved Huck‘s speech about moving on v. seeking revenge.
Quote It: We don’t do revenge, we solve problems… You can’t have both (Huck).
2. Judge Verna Tried To Kill Fitz But They’re Totally Even Now ‘Cause He Tried To Kill Her, Except Wait No. They’re Not Even, ‘Cause He Actually Succeeded.
You know why this episode was messed up? Because when Judge Verna confessed to hiring Becky to kill the President, I totally thought that was gonna be the worst discovery of the night. Like, seriously. I was all shocked and appalled, listening to her speechify to Olivia about how America deserved a real President, not a falsely-elected President (and that’s why she wanted him dead… OMG). I thought she was the WORST. After she confessed to Olivia, she had the President come in so she could confess to him, and tell him how everyone close to him had been a part of the stolen election. Now this was especially effed up because she was basically telling him that none of them– Olivia included– believed in him! And earlier on in the episode Cyrus had told Olivia that if Pres ever found out the truth, He wouldn’t survive knowing. It would change him, it would break him.‘ Yeah. Broken, he is. And so is my heart! Because I loved a killer! Rather than let Judge Verna confess to the public before she died. Fitz went on ahead and took matters into his own hands. Lit’rally. And that was the moment I almost tweeted some real, crazy ish to Shonda Rhimes, lol! But I’m fine now. I’m fine.
Quote It: If I’m already going to hell then, why not? (Verna)
3. ‘Husky’ Is My New Favorite Word/Abby Is The Nastiest, Baddest, Amazingest Bitch On The Planet
OMFG. So, remember in the last episode recap I mentioned that, while all the Gladiators were confessing their Olivia-related sins and secrets, nobody (i.e. Harrison) brought up the fact that Abby kinda got played? She and David went the way of DUNZO because Olivia and Harrison paid David‘s ex-wife to say that he’d beaten her. They knew Abby would leave him, having been through the same thing with her ex. Anyway, she finally finds out what went down in this episode and it all started with the bobblehead. They’d been recording David (and, therefore, Abby) with a sneaky little bobblehead cam while he was at home and the results were hilarious. When the guy showed up with the recordings, and immediately recognized Abby‘s voice, I almost lost it:
And then Abby demanded that everyone bring her the, um, R-rated recordings (AKA, the ones of her doin’ the damn thang), and it was too funny. The look Huck gave her when he brought one dirty CD in was really intense; I’m sure we don’t wanna know the kind of sweet nothings Abby liked to whisper in David‘s ear. But when she heard the recording of David confessing his undying lurve to her while she was asleep (duh, the dream), she knew something was up. And when Harrison confessed to doing Olivia‘s bidding, she ran straight back to David. None of us were prepared for what she was gonna do when she got there, though:
Quote It: You forgot?! (Abby)
I forgot. I got busy being tortured by the U.S. government. (Huck)
Gladiators don’t have feelings… Over a cliff, Abby. Over a cliff. (Harrison)
4. Cyrus Gets Naked With James, Then Puts A Hit Out On Him, Then Takes It Back ‘Cause That’s What True Love Is About
We’ve been watching David and James working together on the low-low over the past few episodes, and it was only a matter of time before James would have to go up against Cyrus. And voila! It went down… but it started with some good ol’ fashioned nudity. I LOST it (yeah, I lost it a lot last night) when Cyrus and James stripped down to prove to each other that neither was wearing a wire (#PoliticalMarriageProblems)! Like, for reals?! For reals?! And after James (who is the cutest stay-at-home Dad ever) said that he was going to testify, Cyrus called up Hollis‘s would-be assassin and lit’rally put a hit out on his husband!
Madness… madness. But I also loved Cyrus‘s speech about how deep down, he really wanted to be President. I don’t think we ever knew that or even got that sense from him, so it was really interesting to hear him talk about how it shoulda been him.
And yeah, okay. He called off the hit at the last minute, but OMG! He was really about to kill James!
Quote It: I’m fairly short, and I’m not so pretty, and I really like having sex with men, so I get to be the guy behind the President Of The United States… I’ll never be in the history books.
5. Olivia Describes Love, Kinda Sounds Like Carrie Bradshaw, Kinda Sounds Like A Masochist, Then Kinda Gets Dumped
I know a lot of you were cheering when Olivia gave the ring back to Edison (shouts-out to PITNBr YoursTruly), and I was too. When she told him what she was really looking for, and how she defines love for herself, for a second I was reminded of that moment in Sex And The City when Carrie told her Russian lover I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. Except here’s what Olivia said:
I don’t want normal, and easy, and simple. I want… I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don’t you want that too?
Ummm yeah. Okay! Sure! That’s, like, one way to be in love… or whatever, lmao! I mean, I totally hear what Olivia is saying (and she sounds kinda Sufi– self-annihilating love, and all). But, Olivia, my girl, we just need to be realllly careful about how we define love for ourselves! (I’m kidding, she doesn’t have to be careful, she’s a fictional character… calm down, Shannon). Now I’m nowhere near being on Team Edison, but I was glad he spoke up and told her that she sounded like someone who’d decided that love and pain where the same thing. Sure, sometimes they are! But Olivia sounded a wee bit masochistic. And I love that Shonda Rhimes did that because it makes her characters more complex. We can’t fully fall in love with any of them because we’ve seen too much!
Oh, and then Olivia got dumped. Because love is pain, lmao!
No, but for real. Did they really have to have this make-up-to-break-up convo at Verna‘s funeral?! So weird. And sooo kind of not surprising that this didn’t work out. We should have known that the moment Liv gave the ring back would be the moment Fitz was finding out about Defiance, which would be the moment he’d be done with Olivia! And now he’s gonna stick with Mellie?! WTF?! How you gon’ leave Olivia for your wife?!?!
My theory is that, now that Fitz is an effing murderer (although you could argue that this isn’t entirely true… we don’t actually see Verna die as he’s holding her down… AKA I’m secretly hoping one day they show a longer version of that scene and he changes his mind towards the end… but yeah, no, he’s a killer), he’s crossed over to the dark side. Yeah, Olivia has done some ish, but she would never look at Fitz the same way if she knew he killed Verna. His only choice is to be with Mellie, who would probably get pregnant for him (again) so fast if she knew he’d done some ish like that, lol! He’s gotta stick with someone who’ll understand him and right now Mellie is the only one who won’t ask questions. I mean, to be fair, she really is a ride or die chic, and she really is the one who keeps it real, like 100% of the time. Olivia puts on and takes off the white hat when necessary, or as she sees fit; Mellie‘s all like, White hats?! Ain’t nobody got time fa dat!
Bonus YesPlease, MoreThankYou moment: Mellie Doesn’t Give An Eff About Dead People Or Babies
How crazy was that scene where Mellie lit’rally told Cyrus she doesn’t like babies… ’cause nobody likes babies?! LOL. She was also completely disinterested in Verna‘s death and for that, we heart you Mellie.
Quote It: I will bury him. And I will dance on his grave. And then I will run for office.
R.I.P. Litzgerald… for now:
P.S. Y’all may have noticed I’m cheating like cray, by putting, like, 3 big moments under one heading, but c’mon! Was I really supposed to pick 5 moments from this episode?! Yeah, no. No way.