Beyoncé… you know I lurve you. And your music. And your work ethic. And your body. And your husband. And your husband’s body… wait. What? Okay. I love you! Why you gotta lie like this?!?!? WHY?! Why tell the world a big, fat, bold-faced lie; that you love changing diapers??? No. C’est impossible! You love Blue Ivy. You love her little Blue Ivy bum. You do not love changing her diapers… do you? Hear more of Beyoncé‘s maternal lies that will make the rest of us look bad so she better stop saying she loves doing gross mommy stuff when she doesn’t, inside.
People has the story:
Since the birth of daughter Blue Ivy last January, Beyoncéand Jay-Z have had no qualms about getting down and dirty when it comes to diaper duty. In fact, the proud parents‘ baby bliss has left them loving the new chore. “Actually, [Jay-Z] is very good. We both [change diapers]. I love changing diapers, I love it. I love every moment of it, it’s so beautiful. I love it all,” Beyoncé says during a Monday appearance on Anderson Live. From diaper changing champ to singing sensation, the songstress admits she frequently lulls her baby girl to sleep with sweet songs. “I make up actually a lot of crazy, corny songs,” she reveals, joking she would not give the host a taste of her talents unless he was willing to belt out “Single Ladies.” “Believe me, no one wants to see that,” Cooper answers. But, while the world may know her for her powerhouse performances, she insists she’s much like any other mother — especially in the eyes of Blue. “I’m Mommy and when [Blue] sees me — today was the first time she saw me perform in rehearsal — she was very confused,” Beyoncé, 31, shares.
Okay, now that’s all fine and good and sweet and adorable. But not the diaper part. That is a lie. And you can tell because (if you watch the video here) she totally looks down after she says it; she cannot make eye contact with Anderson Cooper after making that hilariously ridiculous statement! Lol, okay maybe the eye thing has nothing to do with it. But still. Lies!
If I could have, like, 3 minutes alone with the Queen Bey I would tell her it’s okay! It’s okay to say you don’t like it! Nobody’s gonna look down on you Beyoncé! For saying that you don’t like the part where you go to change a diaper and you’re like OMG babies can DO that? Babies can produce a vomit-inducing stench from their tiny little adorable bums? Nobody’s gonna hate on you for being all like, ‘My beautiful, precious infant’s ability to poop like a grown ass person is making me reconsider recent life choices I’ve made.’ We’ve all been there, B. And it’s okay.
What’s not okay is to say that you love everything about changing diapers. Because that’s impossible. Here are the only parts you can love about changing a diaper:
1. The part where you first lay the baby down and the baby’s all super cute looking at you and gurgling and you’re like omg I love this baby so much that I’m about to wipe his/her butt with all the love I can muster.
2. The part where it’s over and you’re snapping the onesie back up and the baby’s all super cute looking at you and gurgling and you’re like omg I love this baby so much and I’m so glad that diaper change is over.
That concludes my list of things you can love about changing diapers… none of which (as you may recall) involve actually changing the diaper.
Okay. Whew. That was intense. Gonna go change a diaper now. And tolerate it. Love my kid. Tolerate the diaper change. The end.
Shouts-out to Blue Ivy.