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My fave magazine The New Yorker published a hilarious piece in this week’s issue that imagines what Britney Spears‘s Conversion Diary might read like if she were, as reports suggest, converting to Judaism. Without going into the actual rumors concerning her alleged religious endeavors, The New Yorker pokes fun at the mere notion that she might become a Jew … behold:

Britney Spears has never been one to take things slowly when it comes to relationships. So it’s no surprise she’s considering converting to Judaism to show her commitment to new bloke Jason Trawick. The singer has been spotted wearing a necklace with the Star of David symbol on during her world tour. She has even recruited a rabbi to help her study the faith. —The Sun.

Shalom, Diary:

I think Rabbi Pearlstein is really pissed at me. Today in Jewish class he was going through the Halakha, which I thought was the Jewish word for Hannah Montana but turns out to be like a whole bunch of boring laws about days of the week and pork and shit, and I was like, “Rabbi P., is there any way you could break this down into a bunch of tweets? I’ll read it on my phone on the way to rehearsal.” He got so mad those curls on the sides of his head started shaking. (I don’t know why he won’t let my stylist snip them off. They’re not a good look for him, K.?) On the plus side, he taught me this awesome Jewish trivia fact: You don’t have to call Jewish people “Jewish people.” It turns out they don’t mind being called plain old “Jews.” LOL.

Shalom, Diary:

Here’s how Brit sees it: When a person is converting to Judaism, he or she should totally get points for things they’ve done that already make them part Jewish. Like, let’s say to be a Jewess you need twenty points. I think I have already earned points for the following Jewish thingies:

—Dating a hot Jew: two points. I think dating a Jew makes you partly Jewish, and the hotter the Jew the more points. Dating Jason wins me two points (tho I would get way more if I was dating that über-hot Jew in Maroon 5). Dating someone you met on JDate and basically just settled for gets you no points. (Snap!!!)

—Kissing another Jewess on TV: four points. O.K., maybe this isn’t in the Torah or anything, but it is a great moment in Jewish history, and personally, as a Jew-in-training, I am very proud to have been a part of it: the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards, when I kissed Madonna, who is basically even more Jewish than Rabbi Pearlstein. Madonna is so Jewish I call her Mezuzah. (LMAO, Brit!!!) This is because of all the hot Jewish boyfriends she has had over the aeons, including her latest, Jesus Luz. (Everyone knows Jesus is a Jewish name—look it up.) If you count all of Madonna’s points for dating hot Jews, she would have eighty, which would make her equal to like four Jews, which must be more than there are in all of major-league baseball.

—Being persecuted: eight points. Rabbi Pearlstein goes on and on and on about how persecuted the Jews were in olden days, but, hello, did they ever have to deal with TMZ shoving a camera in their crotch every time they got out of a limo? I don’t think so!!!

If you add my two points for dating a hot Jew to my four points for kissing a Jewess to my eight points for being persecuted, you get (come on, iPhone calculator) . . . fourteen Jew points!!! I should totally be able to get the other six I need by buying a Star of David toe ring.

Shalom, Diary:

Got verklempt last night with Jason when I told him how close I was to joining his tribe and all. Felt kinda guilty that my spiritual journey has been so easy, what with my already being mostly Jewish, but then Jason explained that feeling guilty just makes you Jewisher, so it’s all good.

HAHAHAHHAHA! There is one more imagined entry in Britney‘s Conversion Diary HERE, which — if you enjoyed reading thus far — is a must read as well. I never thought two of my fave things — Britney Spears and the high-brow humor of The New Yorker — would ever come together and, yet, here it is. It’s funny, right?

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Chris Brown has released a short video today addressing his fans and offering up his apologies for his assault on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in February. As y’all should know by now, Brown worked out a plea agreement where he will serve out a sentence of probation instead of going to prison for physically assaulting Rihanna. This new video is meant for Chris to talk directly to fans and apologize for his criminal behavior:

The video really speaks for itself. He reveals that he wanted to apologize sooner but decided not to on the advice of his lawyers. While I’m impressed that he does not offer any excuses for his criminal actions, he is still on my shitlist. I don’t know that I will ever be able to see Chris Brown the way I used to see him before this incident but, at the very least, he is finally offering up the apology that many people have been waiting for for some time. After the jump, check out the video in full and judge for yourselves if this mea culpa is good enough …

A week ago today we learned the tragic news that Jessica Simpson and boyfriend Tony Romo were dunzo (remember, he dumped her on the eve of her birthday on July 10) and then last Friday we saw the first photos of Tony Romo whooping it up and enjoying his new single status with some of his boys on the Sunset Strip. Perhaps in retaliation, Jessica posted a photo with some of her girlfriends out on the town this weekend on her official Twitter profile. Here is the photo and her tweet message:

Love my ladies!!! Wish I could be with them everyday of my life. Laughter is wonderful :)

Clearly, Jessica wants the world to know that she has already washed that man right out of her hair and she is a happy camper. With her ladies by her side and her trademark mile-long smile, she’s telling the world I’m OK! Whether or not that is actually the case is beside the point … at this stage in a break-up, she can’t let the guy who dumped her know she is mourning the loss. I’m not a big Jessica Simpson fan but I do feel bad for her … here’s hoping she gets over the break-up as soon as she can. My guess is that she’ll be single for some time to come.

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BFFs Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson are enjoying a bit of a holiday together in Portofino, Italy this week and the men were snapped enjoying some playtime together on an inflated floaty in the ocean. As you can see from this photo of the friends rough-housing together, they appear to be very close friends:

The guys have been friend forever and this is NOT the first time they’ve frolicked in such a close way … you may recall that the bros, let’s call them Wooden, spent time together in Hawaii early last year and then got nekkid in Florida — first Woody, then Owen. You cannot deny a lurve like theirs. Bromance ’til death do they party. Ain’t they adorable?

[Photo credit: Splash News]

Last Friday we got our first look at a new promo photo from the 2010 movie Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time which stars Jake Gyllenhaal and which will be one of his first major film roles since Brokeback Mountain. Today we get our first look at the first poster released for the film:

Well … OK … this poster may not feature Jakey poo as Prince Dastan but it does feature Gemma Arterton who portrays the character Tamina in the Persia. But, fear not … there is another poster that has been released along with this one. After the jump, check out the FIRST Prince of Persia poster to feature Jake Gyllenhaal as the heroic Prince Dastan …

Due to fortuitous circumstances, I was able to attend the big LA Galaxy vs. AC Milan soccer match at the Home Depot Center in Carson, CA last night. David was all excited to go and then realized he had a previous engagement at Outfest. Darion, very happily, took his place … and we had a blast:

We were so far from all the drama last night that we saw none of it. Our section (very near the Beckham family box) was really fun, everyone enjoyed the game. There were a lot of Milanos in the hiz … ’twas very fun. Much, much love goes out to my friends Aly and Alexis for passing their tickets over to me … they couldn’t attend and very generously gave them to me. I love them dearly!!!

This afternoon, I’ll be at the VW service shop for scheduled maintenance on my car. It’s gonna be a long afternoon … I’m hoping to catch Harry Potter tonight. I need to see that movie already!

• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend.
• Beastie Boy Adam Yauch reveals that he has cancer.
• Mischa Barton‘s people deny she binged on cocaine.
• Murder charges are reportedly expected in the investigation of the death of Michael Jackson.
• Blake Fielder-Civil is asking for $9 million in his divorce settlement from Amy Winehouse.
• Gay director Todd Holland tells gay actors not to come out of the closet.
• Celebrate, the Eiffel Tower!
• LA pays tribute to Michael Jackson with a new wall mural.
• 40 years ago tomorrow, Man walked on the moon … and newspapers actually mattered.
• The Fashion magazines are lookin’ a bit anorexic this year.
• Whitney Port hits the beach.
• YIKES!!!!!!!
• Rihanna gets her claws out.
• Simon Cowell makes new friends.
• Eva Mendes says Me-Yow!
• Gisele Bündchen is 29, Simon Rex is 35, Josh Holloway & Vitamin C are 40 and Carlos Santana is 62 years old today. Click HERE to see who else is celebrating a birthday today.
• The Jackson family has NO SAY in the sale of MJ‘s rehearsal footage.
• Marilyn Monroe‘s bra sells for $5k.
• Did y’all catch Lindsay Lohan‘s painful Labor last night?

Okay, so I know many of y’all are prolly thinking … who? But some of you may know Jeffrey Donovan as the hot lead actor on the USA Network series Burn Notice. Again, many of y’all are thinking … what network? But … just bear with me. Okay, so David loves watching Psych on USA Network and occasionally watches the spy series Burn Notice which stars hottie Jeffrey Donovan … well, apparently Mr. Hottie got busted for drunk driving on July 12 (my birthday) and, truth be told, still looks kinda hot in his mugshot:

The star of that show “Burn Notice” may have been a little too lit up when he got behind the wheel last weekend — dude was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence in Miami. TMZ has learned Jeffrey Donovan was arrested on suspicion of DUI last Sunday, July 12th. The 41-year-old posed for a cop cam and was released several hours later. So far, no comment from Donovan’s reps.

Okay, so he may not look sooo hot in his mug (especially since I’ve seen him look much hotter) but a bust is a bust and idiots who get arrested for endangering the lives of others by drunk driving should be shamed in public. Burn Notice is a pretty decent show, even tho I don’t really watch it. It’s be a shame for Donovan to lose what little fame he has just because he doesn’t know that drinking and driving doesn’t mix. Get your shizz straight, dude … otherwise no one will ever know who the hell you are.

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The official promo machine for the new film G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has officially gotten underway as members of the cast invaded Sydney Harbor in Sydney, Australia over the weekend to hype up their new film. The cast — including Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols and Marlon Wayans — arrived at their press photocall by speedboat and then immediately made themselves available to the press. Sienna Miller gave the most revelatory info to the assembled media, even confessing that she nearly burned her breasts while making the film:

In what would have been the most bizarre on set accident yet, actress Sienna Miller revealed she nearly burnt her breasts making new movie G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Speaking at an event in Sydney, Australia, to promote the film, the 28-year-old star, who plays femme fatal The Baroness in the film, said she nearly suffered the rather undignified occurrence when an explosion got too close for comfort. But thankfully it was just a rather close call. She said a press conference in Sydney: “Luckily it wasn’t my breasts, it was the bit in-between. It got a bit burnt when an explosion got a bit close.” Sienna arrived at the press launch for the film in fine style, as she and her cast mates turned up in a power boat. And she also revealed she wasn’t too impressed with her character’s black leather cat suit: “I won’t be wearing one again. Squeezing myself into that with the aid of talcum powder every day for five months was more than enough. I could barely move in it anyway,” she said. The actress looked informal in a print dress from Brit designers Poltock & Walsh Autumn/Winter 2009 collection, accessorised with a pair of suede/leather Chloe ankle boots. Sienna who has enjoyed an on/off relationship with father-of-four Balthazar Getty, brushed off questions that she had plans to walk down the aisle. She said: “No plans to get married, no. No-one to marry!” But co-star Channing Tatum, 29, was actually on his honeymoon. Channing, 29, who married Step Up co-star Jenna Dewan on July 11, had to delay his honeymoon because he will be promoting the new $170million movie for two weeks. He said: “I am on honeymoon but not at the moment. We’ll pick that up after the promotion work is done.” The star, who plays the film’s hero, Duke, said: ‘When I was first approached about the role I thought, “Aww man, how are you going to make a movie about G.I. Joe in a time of war? Then I read the script and it was nothing to do with the military at all. I’m a big supporter of the soldiers and the military and I don’t have a view on the war at all, I’m not a political person. But this is a fantasy film, it is an escape from everything that is going on.” Also at the event were co stars Marlon Wayans and Rachel Nichols who arrived at Sydney’s historic harbour with Sienna and Channing in a customised speedboat. Director Steven Sommers also rejected claims that he had been removed from the film after disastrous test screenings. “It’s complete lies. I have always had final cut of the film. People just make stuff up. You have to really screw up to get fired from a movie. The stigma of that would kill it. This is not the case.” Actor Channing, 29, said: “I hope it does OK”, while a less tactful Sienna added: “You know, GI Joe, it’s not going to be the best acting work we’ve ever done.”

LOL! Not even the actors seem to have much faith in the film … but, I’m still VERY excited to see it when it opens next month!! It’s a shame that Channing has to “work” while he’s on his honeymoon but it’s really hard to feel bad for the guy. It remains to be seen where the G.I. Joe promo machine moves on to next but they’ve got a lot of work ahead of them to sell this flick. Are any of y’all planning on seeing this movie when it opens on August 7?

[Photo credit: Wireimage; Source]

Madonna took time out of her bizzy touring schedule to pay a hospital visit to the injured crewman who were involved in the collapse of her Sticky & Sweet Tour stage in Marseille, France last week. The accident, as you may recall, claimed the lives of two stagehands and injured 10 others. Here are photos of Maddy and her daughters Lourdes Maria and Chifundo Mercy James along with manager Guy Oseary at the hospital in Marseille that is treating the injured men:

Madonna visited on Sunday workers injured while building a stage for her concert in southern France, as well as meeting the family of one of two workers killed in the accident. A French worker was killed on the spot on Thursday when part of the roof over the stage being built for the pop singer’s concert collapsed while a British worker died in hospital a day later. Eight other workers were injured, five seriously, and are being treated at two hospitals. The concert had been scheduled for Sunday, but it was canceled immediately after the incident. “We are very touched that an actress (and musician) with such talent and quality has also an extraordinary amount of human qualities as well,” Marseille Mayor Jean-Claude Gaudin told reporters outside one hospital. “She has already gone to Aix-en-Province, I think, to see the family of this worker who unfortunately has died. And, she comes here to the hospital in Marseille to meet the injured. So, we are very touched.” Marseille public prosecutors have launched an inquiry into the deaths at the Velodrome stadium. A police source said one of the four cranes used to erect the stage slipped, causing the roof to buckle. Madonna, who was in Italy at the time of the accident, issued a statement saying she was devastated by the news and expressed her deepest sympathies to all those affected. Marseille city authorities said all the victims worked for Live Nation, the company which was preparing the show. The next stop on Madonna’s “Sticky and Sweet” tour is scheduled for Barcelona, Spain on Tuesday, July 21.

Kudos to Madonna for taking the time to visit her injured crewman in the hospital. While I’m pretty certain she was not on a first name basis with her stage crew, I’m sure it means a lot to them that she cares enough to visit them in the hospital to check on their progress. I’m sure it was devastating for her to learn that two men lost their lives in that terrible accident, I think it was very cool of her to personally visit the injured crew. Even tho she had nothing at all to do with the accident, it’s clear that she feels some bit of responsibility for her crewman. I hope they all heal well and will back on their feet in no time. My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the men who lost their lives.

[Photo credit: Bauer-Griffin; Source]