Britney Spears Reportedly Wants To Become A Jew

And 'The New Yorker' envisions what her conversion diary might read like

My fave magazine The New Yorker published a hilarious piece in this week’s issue that imagines what Britney Spears‘s Conversion Diary might read like if she were, as reports suggest, converting to Judaism. Without going into the actual rumors concerning her alleged religious endeavors, The New Yorker pokes fun at the mere notion that she might become a Jew … behold:


Britney Spears has never been one to take things slowly when it comes to relationships. So it’s no surprise she’s considering converting to Judaism to show her commitment to new bloke Jason Trawick. The singer has been spotted wearing a necklace with the Star of David symbol on during her world tour. She has even recruited a rabbi to help her study the faith. —The Sun.

Shalom, Diary:

I think Rabbi Pearlstein is really pissed at me. Today in Jewish class he was going through the Halakha, which I thought was the Jewish word for Hannah Montana but turns out to be like a whole bunch of boring laws about days of the week and pork and shit, and I was like, “Rabbi P., is there any way you could break this down into a bunch of tweets? I’ll read it on my phone on the way to rehearsal.” He got so mad those curls on the sides of his head started shaking. (I don’t know why he won’t let my stylist snip them off. They’re not a good look for him, K.?) On the plus side, he taught me this awesome Jewish trivia fact: You don’t have to call Jewish people “Jewish people.” It turns out they don’t mind being called plain old “Jews.” LOL.

Shalom, Diary:

Here’s how Brit sees it: When a person is converting to Judaism, he or she should totally get points for things they’ve done that already make them part Jewish. Like, let’s say to be a Jewess you need twenty points. I think I have already earned points for the following Jewish thingies:

—Dating a hot Jew: two points. I think dating a Jew makes you partly Jewish, and the hotter the Jew the more points. Dating Jason wins me two points (tho I would get way more if I was dating that über-hot Jew in Maroon 5). Dating someone you met on JDate and basically just settled for gets you no points. (Snap!!!)

—Kissing another Jewess on TV: four points. O.K., maybe this isn’t in the Torah or anything, but it is a great moment in Jewish history, and personally, as a Jew-in-training, I am very proud to have been a part of it: the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards, when I kissed Madonna, who is basically even more Jewish than Rabbi Pearlstein. Madonna is so Jewish I call her Mezuzah. (LMAO, Brit!!!) This is because of all the hot Jewish boyfriends she has had over the aeons, including her latest, Jesus Luz. (Everyone knows Jesus is a Jewish name—look it up.) If you count all of Madonna’s points for dating hot Jews, she would have eighty, which would make her equal to like four Jews, which must be more than there are in all of major-league baseball.

—Being persecuted: eight points. Rabbi Pearlstein goes on and on and on about how persecuted the Jews were in olden days, but, hello, did they ever have to deal with TMZ shoving a camera in their crotch every time they got out of a limo? I don’t think so!!!

If you add my two points for dating a hot Jew to my four points for kissing a Jewess to my eight points for being persecuted, you get (come on, iPhone calculator) . . . fourteen Jew points!!! I should totally be able to get the other six I need by buying a Star of David toe ring.

Shalom, Diary:

Got verklempt last night with Jason when I told him how close I was to joining his tribe and all. Felt kinda guilty that my spiritual journey has been so easy, what with my already being mostly Jewish, but then Jason explained that feeling guilty just makes you Jewisher, so it’s all good.

HAHAHAHHAHA! There is one more imagined entry in Britney‘s Conversion Diary HERE, which — if you enjoyed reading thus far — is a must read as well. I never thought two of my fave things — Britney Spears and the high-brow humor of The New Yorker — would ever come together and, yet, here it is. It’s funny, right?

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  1. Mr. Gyllenhaal

    That was some seriously funny shiz!!

  2. brock

    As much as I love dear Britney this cracked me up and I totally end up reading it out loud in my best Britney southen valley girl voice…

  3. kellye

    Hilarious! Unfortunately, I think this is too witty for something Miss Britney would conjure up.

  4. Jennifer

    HILARIOUS!!

  5. Irma

    if you don’t already subscribe to The New Yorker, it’s a damn shame. They’re always full of stuff like this.

  6. Lily

    this is fake and old.

  7. TVKimmy

    Ok. Now THAT was funny.

  8. CHASE

    Yeah, that was pretty funny! Though, I hate it how stupid they make Britney out to be.

  9. meg

    “And I’m like, ‘Hello, isn’t that the Amish?’” <– omg, that was great. thanks for posting! and no shit, Lily, of course it’s fake!

  10. JJ

    That was sooo funny, thanks for posting. :)

  11. chipletta

    OY!! It gave me such a laugh, already!

  12. nysro

    She doesn’t seem like the type of person to be into religion.. She probably isn’t smart enough (sorry , the girl is not educated at all) to understand them, and probably not dedicated to follow one. The funniest is when she carried around the Kabala book , and pretened like she could actually read, and understand it..

  13. HILARIOUS! This made my day. :D

  14. Taylor

    I’m guessing her conversion will last about as long as her 1st marriage.

  15. Johnny_whiplash

    Just don’t get her near the holy water, you know how it makes her skin sizzle…….

  16. Annie

    Some of you are pathetic! The article was funny, but the best part was that it was not low-brow, take-an-easy-shot humour. Then I read the comments and was so amazed. For people who claim Britney is so stupid and cannot understand religion, some of you are painfully “simple” in your attacks at her. Good thing you all just read the New Yorker and don’t actually write for it!!

  17. heather

    that was hilarious! i love that they can joke about britney without actually being insulting.

  18. norman west

    well, you cant say that TMZ did not prove she was circumsized

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